Family Secret - Divulging Abuse From Inside

Among the hardest bits of news a family can hear is from within. To learn that another has been, abused by a close relative you've known all your life, a member of your family, is dreadful. I understand because I've been on either side of that coin, both recieving the news and announcing it to my own relatives. For the PTSD sufferer it's among the bravest but most challenging steps towards healing. By breaking the quiet, unveiling the secret and putting your experiences and your soul out in the open for those you love to question and understand, you're fixing. The decision to tell family members that you have PTSD - and possibly more significantly, what the trauma which caused it was - is one that many sufferers agonize around.

Imagine if they don’t believe me? I will create a rift in the family. I'm upsetting the apple cart. It’s in days gone by so there’s no point causing all this heartbreak -- these are only the beginnings of various trains of thought a sufferer is likely to go through when debating whether to tell ’ or not. It is hard when the perpetrator isn't an associate of the family, a friend, perhaps, in the instance of of sexual abuse. But when the victim and the abuser share the same family, it becomes a good deal messier. Everyone knows what you as a survivor of abuse have been through, and once the naming and shaming of the abuser is out there, there’s no going back.

So, imagine if you’re the family member who’s merely been sat in a front room, having made a pot of tea, simply to have the get together blasted into smithereens by son, granddaughter, your daughter, neice or nephew? They’ve not slept for weeks (PTSD plus the do-I, don’t-I debate), and now they’re silently sitting with the teacup still shaking on its saucer, anxiously awaiting your reply.

First, engage your brain before you speak. Your emotions are high, you don’t know what to believe, and the image of both the man who mistreated them and the individual facing you has been shattered like glass on concrete. Blurting out “I don’t believe you perhaps trigger an emotional flashback, will ostricize the sufferer, cause them to question themselves and their recollections and make you the target of fury, frustration and damage. Perhaps you can’t reconcile the picture of the accused with the accusation, but that doesn't mean it didn’t happen. So, think before you do and speak n’t undermine the courage it took for the sufferer to tell you.

Please, do not go and begin a fight with the accused. It helps nobody, least of all the sufferer. Going over there and having it out will lead to everything being denied by the abuser, retaliating, maybe assaulting yourself or the original victim. The casualty has lost it if there is evidence that could be used in legal proceedings should they follow.

Remember that ‘outing’ an they will be exhausted, and an abuser is a very brave choice for the sufferer. A game of 20 questions is inappropriate right now! To have been trusted enough to hear they have suffered from abuse and developed PTSD because of it places you in a privileged position. Recall that, and try and refrain from asking about child abuse disclosure each detail of the maltreatment, the duration, if anyone else was involved, or the dreaded "why didn’t you tell us earlier?” Some of the responses won’t be clear to the sufferer (suggest: particularly the last one), and some of them hurt too much to discuss. The time will come where you learn the facts of the injury and the impact on the sufferer’s life since. Is n’t it.

Enough of the don't’s. What should you do? Listening is significant; taking time to hear the sufferer is the best gift you can give them and being there. Perhaps the relief of having someone in the family understand will lead to an outpouring of despair and emotion. Be there for them, and allow them to understand that you are available to discuss with, if and when they want. Offer support and give them the safe space they'ven’t had to vent how they feel. On the flipside, the individual with PTSD might totally freak out and not need to say another word. Listening is still important in the silence. Make the person you love feel safe and supported and free to talk, or not speak, request help, or not.

Do things that are ordinary with this individual. Having PTSD does not define them nor should it define your future relationship with them. Take them out, encourage them to meet-ups (without the abuser present) and value them for who they are. As with tons of mental illnesses, occasionally socializing seems not easy, but even if you get dismissed or rejected, continue while also letting them know it is acceptable for them not to join encouraging them. Patience and empathy is the name of the game.

Also, look after yourself. Odds are the news has come as a jolt, and you're now struggling with conflicting emotions regarding the abuser, particularly when you knew them and are close to them. It really is understandable to be bewildered and upset, so take a bit of time to process the info. Frequently it is helpful to speak with someone you know, for example a friend or counsellor, about your feelings. Getting an external perspective from someone who doesn’t understand the PTSD sufferer or the abuser can be useful. It's easy to feel like anything you do or say will be wrong, but seriously, you understand the people involved and how to speak to them. Trust that knowledge and instinct.

I am only able to talk from personal experience, but there’s a nugget or two of advice in this piece to assist you to discover about the abuse than can occur within.